Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
