The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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