Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
