the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
