"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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