dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think my vagina is haunted
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
