The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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