i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
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