Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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