Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
