i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I have already put on my inside pants.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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