No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
