The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
