What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
