your thong is hanging out like whoa
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
When are your genitals available?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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