you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I intend to get homeless drunk
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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