we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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