ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
