I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I party with great urgency now.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
