I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
