Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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