i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Randomize
