Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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