Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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