this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
