Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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