so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
