You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
