I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
