My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
