I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
