Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
