Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
