wrigley field is MILF paradise
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize