It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
