Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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