so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize