I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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