hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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