You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i want to swaddle you in tequila
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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