I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
God I need to hump something, right now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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