I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I need to calm my uterus...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
