: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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