you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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