I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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