I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
