she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
