What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
