last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
babies were throwing up all over the place
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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