are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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