a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize