you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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