Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
