If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
