This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
