He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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