Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize