Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
