new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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