I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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