Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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