actually, I'm a sock model
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
