i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
